It has been an exceptionally long time since I posted anything, but I really feel like I need to.  Browsing through Facebook the other day, I came upon this
 

written by a Christian American Conservative.  I had just gotten back from a lecture given by a political war refugee from El Salvador and reading this note caused me to feel so much anger towards the ignorance of people like him.  Obviously getting into stupid Facebook fights is pointless, but I needed to formulate a response... and so I wrote a response to his note.  I wish I could post it, or send it to him in a message, but ultimately it wouldn't solve anything.  Conservatives can never see anything because their heads are so far up their asses... So here I am, putting my thoughts on LiveJournal so that maybe I can feel some sense of relief that the message is floating out there somewhere...  He made me so angry, because he is so ignorant... What I really wish I could say to all conservatives is "Clearly your way isn't working... Why don't we try something new?"

I feel no sense of relief... sigh

today in my LS class we had a creative-writingish workshop with carrie newcomer.  she's an activist and a folk singer.  she has a really good voice, too.  anyway, she had us do a writing activity that apparently was supposed to help us with our protest songs that we have to write for this class.  now, i don't really see how this exercise was supposed to help us, well the prompts anyway weren't going to help us because she doesn't know the issues we're dealing with with our service learning projects.  hell, i don't even know the issue i'm dealing with with my service learning.  honestly, it's quite confusing because the issue isn't the normal one presented when you think of kids who have to go to after school programs, etc.  the area where it is i guess you just get an idea in your head about what they're reasoning is supposed to be...but it's not really the case.  anyway... i actually found myself enjoying LS today...the time flew by.  seriously, i was shocked when i looked at the clock and what was supposed to feel like 8:55 AM was really 10:04 AM.  class was going to be over in like 16 minutes and i didn't feelt like we had really accomplished anything...no, let me rephrase that...it didn't feel like we had gone as deep as we should have.  like we were just getting started and there was sooo much more that we had to do!  i was kind of disappointed.  anyway, i guess the reason i'm even writing this is because i needed to put thoughts down...and xanga and facebook aren't really conducive to this type of writing.  besides, why make myself MORE open to criticism...no one reads my LJ, i'm safer here.  ironically this was sort of what resulted from the prompt.  she used the term "stream of consciousness" today...that took me back, but that's what it was.  it was a stream of consciousness.  and for the first time in a long time i was able to write for 10 minutes without stopping.  this is not going to be the start of my love for writing, because i still don't.  but i guess i was sort of proud of myself for doing that... : shrug :  it's not exactly coherent, obviously because it's an SOC, but also because she interrupted us a couple of times to tell us to start a new conversation with it, such as the second paragraph of this thing...and also i didn't really get to finish it because we stopped.  i guess i contemplated putting this on facebook...but i'd rather not. 



there are very few times where i've been proud of what i've written.  so few that i could probably count it on one hand even if that hand only had like 3 fingers... and i'm not necessarily *proud* of what i wrote during class today...but i suppose i'm just proud that i wrote during the whole time.  i don't really know why when she gave the prompts "elementary school lunches" or "i've kept it all these years" why i chose the latter.  and i also don't know why when i chose that that the FIRST THING that popped into my mind were those notes.  i've kept lots of things over the years...a rock that looks like a cloud that i got from my backyard when we were building my house, the stuffed animals from al, a magazine clip out of taz that i got from jimmy in like the 6th grade...i've kept lots of things, so why did i pick those notes?  i dunno, the reasoning escapes me.  all i know is that when it popped into my mind i went with it...and just wrote.  i'm not really sure how i'm going to write a protest song based off of a few "love" notes...but i'm sure something will come to me.

i felt inadequate, though, at the same time.  i mean, she had a few people read theirs....and they were good.  it paled in comparison to mine.  which is probably why i'm sure i didn't volunteer to read mine.  i'm sure that if i did read mine, she would have found something good out of it...but, i dunno...it just seems like everyone else's life is so much more interesting and their stories are more important than the ones i have to tell.  it's probably a bad thing that i don't think my life is worthy enough to be talked about-- maybe that's why i don't have memories.  i don't feel like they're worth remembering...

if that's true...i suddenly feel very sad...

may i ask how the first year of college is almost over?  i feel so unaccomplished...and i never thought that that's how i would feel after the first year of being at a place that was supposed to be more fantastic than anything else i've ever experienced.  it's really sad to me that i haven't had 'that moment'.  makes me want high school...well, y'know, mr. jordan.  or mr. mccarthy.  best...and worst...moments of my life ever took place with those two men, teachers, people... the best and worst realizations of my life.  i want that here, i want that realization, that epiphany...i want to be dumbfounded and in awe.  it's seriously so disappointing...

my head hurts...

<3

after taking every detour
getting lost and losing track
so that even if i wanted
i could not find my way back

soooo don't want to go back to school tomorrow.  spring break was too damn short, and i had a longer one, too!!  grrr.  and that stupid web site can kiss my ass.  this web designing thing sucks....i think i'm going to quit web guild.  for serious.

i  realize that maybe the subject title of this update isn't quite accurate...18 years old is hardly old.  but i feel old.  although i'm not really sure why the particular things i am feeling i am associating with being old.  i've never actually thought that if a person is old they don't do anything anymore.  i guess what i mean is that i feel like i'm stuck at a stand still, that i'm not really moving forward and that everyone keeps moving on and doing things around me.  i don't know why i consider that being old.  i mean, there are a ton of old people who are still active, they're not stuck at stand stills...so i guess it's rude of me to say that that is "old".

but i honestly feel old.  and that sucks, because i'm too young to feel this old.  the other day when i went to pick up angie from school, i saw sam staldman getting into a car and i was suddenly reminded of the time when i was helping with uniform fittings for marching band and i was with ann murrow's mom who mentioned that ann was a junior.  and i had to do the math in the head, was it possible that all those girls that i had had since their freshmen years were really juniors?  is that really possible?  i instantly felt old...it's not even like their "my" kids, i had them as a part of my squad, and they were my flutiepies, so i feel like i raised them...how could they have gotten so grown up already?  and that's just the thing, i don't even feel grown up, so how can my flutiepies be grown up?  that's how i feel, like everyone is growing up around me, moving on with their lives, and i'm stuck.  even jimmy who i thought would NEVER grow up, he's growing up.  he told the other day that his saturday routine is getting up, drinking something or other hot chocolate maybe, and looking at stocks on the computer.  how could he have grown up like that?  and i mean, other people are moving on, too...greg and sarah broke up and she's moved on, she's dating matt santeler now and she's happy, she's doing something different.  rachael is a mom...if that's not growing up i don't know what is.  heather and matt broke up after 2 years and 4 months, even THEY are moving on.  well, sort of.  but they're doing something new.  and here i am, same boyfriend, same friends, and wanting to keep it that way.  and i feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting that.

i was at the jazz band concert at mundelein last night...and as i was sitting there, i realized something.  that i didn't "belong" there anymore.  the band wasn't the same, everyone who've i've always gone to those concerts for were gone, and they, too, were moving on with their lives.  sure, ben and zack and jori and matt and sarah, etc., were all excited to see me and i got hugs and matt talked to me quite a bit, they said they missed me....but i still felt like i didn't belong there.  which i don't, really.  high school is over....yet i continue to go back.  i love those guys to pieces and i really hope that they'll always be in my life but i realized that i was holding on to something that i'm never going to get back.

i can't redo high school, no matter how much i would want to on some days.  i suppose i could be frustrated. i am frustrated that college is not what i expected it to be.  i don't feel challenged.  i should feel challenged, at least with my spanish class, or even with my math class.  but my math class was infuriating, it wasn't what i was expecting it, so not matter how difficult it was it just made me resent it.  i find myself actually resenting college, i find it ridiculous that i learned more from mr. jordan in a two term class than i have through all of the 2/3 of my college career.  i mean, this is not how college was supposed to be.; it was supposed to be inspirational, and deep, intelligent conversation...  maybe i expected too much, if i hadn't expected anything at all maybe i wouldn't be disappointed.  i am also just so apathetic...i mean, my grades are hardly what i would like them to be, it's not who i am at all....but i don't care.  i should probably be worried about whether or not i will be receiving the scholarship again next year, but i'm not.  my apatheticism is killing me, really....i have no desire to change anything.  even jimmy is all "oh i'm not social...i don't like being social" even HE'S changing and getting more involved.  getting new friends...and this is a kid who is more stubborn than me when it comes to change.  it's like, i have my friends, and i want to keep it that way.  i don't need new friends; and that is probably keeping me from fully getting the college experience.  i mean, i don't really have a lot of new friends at augie.  i just don't.  and i'm okay with that...but again, i feel like i shouldn't be okay with that.  i am content with what i already have.

but i'm scared.  because i see everyone moving on....getting new friends and enjoying their new lives and i fear that i'm going to be left alone because i'm content with how things were.  and if everyone else is moving on, i'll be left with no one, really.  i mean, even though i am content with how things were, they're not going to be that way.  even at thanksgiving, true we were all like how we used to be, but we all knew that it was different.  we're just really good at making it seem like no time has passed.  i don't know anymore...i'm just, stuck i guess.  and i know i can get out of it, i just don't know how.  nor do i know if i really want to get out of it.  i'm rambling, and it's not even really that important...

: sigh : . . . i honestly wish i didn't have to see jimmy this weekend.  i know that seems horrible of me....but i mean, we had a good weekend last week, and having this week was good because it was a buffer.  i knew i wasn't leaving yet so it wasn't like we were parting again.  the parting sucks...i mean, i still think that us not going to the same college was the best.  hell, who knows if we'd even still be together if we did; i would probably be unhappy going to the same college as him, for stupid reasons but their my reasons and it deals with how i am as a person, but i agree when he asks "but did you have to go to a college so far away?"  it sucks...being apart from him, and it hurts a lot....and i just know that even though in a week i'll look back on this upcoming weekend and say "yeah that was fun" for now this weekend is going to suck.  because i know that i'll be leaving again...and i won't see him again until...april, when we're off for easter.  and this summer is probably going to suck, too....i'll have to get a job and he'll have a job and we'll probably never see each other...well, not never but it will never be enough....and why am i even thinking that far into the future?  how did me not wanting to see jimmy this weekend progress into thinking of summer vacation?  i don't even know...

i don't feel like i know anything anymore.  i don't know where i'm going or what i'm going to do...and that scares me.  i don't like not having a plan.  not that my plans are ever really followed through with, but at least i have them.  like, i didn't get anything that i wanted to get accomplished this break done...and i hate that i do that.  i really do...drives me bonkers.  drives me bonkers that there never seems to be enough time for everything...linear time is crap...why is there never enough time?  : sigh :

when am i going to grow up?  at least then if i were grown up, maybe i wouldn't miss my old life and my old friends and i would be in the same boat...and then maybe i wouldn't mind feeling so old

i needed to update my LJ...i feel neglectful.  so what better way to update than with a survey!!


i wish it would friggin stop snowing...i want spring...NOW...and i want to redo the weekend, i didn't get enough time.  i want to redo spring break...not enough time.  i want to redo lots of things...too bad that won't happen, ever.  bah.
<3

long survey about yourself...i mean myself : - D


What time are you starting this?: 10:30pm
Name?: Christine Frances Cerniglia
Nicknames?: stinie, christhIIINNNEEE, stiniecakes, peace baby love child, pookie...probably more, :shrug:
Date of birth?: 04/15/88
Sex?: Female
Height?: 5'3.5"...?? maybe?? i dunno.
Eye color?: blue/green...they change! it’s so cool!
Where were you born?: lagrange hospital
Number of candles on your last birthday cake?: 19 (one to grow on!)
Pets?: nope
Hair color?: brownish blonde
Piercings?: one in each ear
Town you live in?: i’m currently living in rock island, but my home is in wauconda
Favorite foods?: oh man...i’m italian, i love food...are ya really asking me this question???
Ever been to Africa?: no
Been toilet papering?: no
Love someone so much it made you cry?: DEFINITELY
Been in a car accident?: yea.
Croutons or bacon bits?: depends on what type of salad it is
Favorite day of the week?: the day that i get to see jimmy
Favorite resturant?: olive garden, portillo’s, food life, gino’s, scoozi’s...there are a TON
Favorite flower?: i <3 flowers...daisies/roses/daffodils...
Favorite sport to watch?: auguSTALlions! WHOOOO!
Favorite drink?: errr....i dunno. i’m really fond of mug root beer and flavored soda/water
Favorite ice cream flavor?: cookie dough!
Warner Bros. or Disney?: DISNEY!!!!
Favorite fast food restuarant?: burger king
Carpet color in your bedroom?: i don’t have a carpet in the dorm, but home i have a grey carpet
How many times did you fail your driver's test?: never
Whom did you get your last email from?: something from the school
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?: wolf camera (developing pictures)
What do you do most often when you are bored?: internet...craft it up...tv
Most annoying thing to say to me?: uh...ask jimmy, i’ve gotten annoyed plenty of times with crap he’s said...
Bedtime?: late...or early...depending on how you view like 2 AM
Favorite TV show?: without a trace, csi, will and grace, gilmore girls...
Last person you went out to dinner with?: olive garden with a group of people
Been out of country?: no
Believe in magic?: yup
Ford or Chevy?: i drive a ford...i guess they work.
What are you listening to right now?: “we are santa’s elves!”...yay christmas!
Have you ever failed a grade?: no
If you have, what grade did you fail?: n/a
Do you have a crush on someone?: of course
Do you have a bf/gf?: yes. : - )
If so, what is their name?: jimmy litz!
How long have you been together?: 2 years on monday...awww. : - P yeah we're cute. LoL.
Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: uhh...yeah, i guess i’m guilty of that
Are you a virgin?: ...yeah
Do you smoke?: gross
Do you drink?: bleck
Are you ghetto?: haha...i’m the whitest person ever....
Are you a player?: no
What are your favorite colors?: RAINBOW
What is your favorite animal?: monkey!
Do you have any birthmarks?: i think so
Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: ...yes...
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: mommy
Have you ever been slapped?: yup...
Do you get online a lot?: oh yes
Are you shy or outgoing?: shy...usually...unless i’m REALLY comfortable in the situation...
Do you shower?: i try...LoL
Do you hate school?: mm hmm.
Do you have a social life?: not really at all.
How easily do you trust people?: uhh...not at all
Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: i dunno...becky i think knows most things...but other people might be shocked. :shrug:
Would you ever sky dive?: doubt it
Do you like to dance?: HECK YES
Have you ever been out of state?: of course
Do you like to travel?: most for definitely
Have you ever been expelled from school?: no
Have you ever been suspended from school?: no
Do you want to get out of your hometown?: when i’m older, yeah.
Are you spoiled?: yeah
Are you a brat?: i can be
Have you ever been dumped?: maybe? i don’t think so, though...
Have you ever gotten high?: no, it’s always a tired high...
Do you like snapple?: yeah
Do you drink a lot of water?: somedays
What toothpaste do you use?: colgate?
Do you have a cell phone?: who doesn’t?
Do you have a curfew?: not here...but at home it’s like...i dunno...1ish?
Who do you look up to?: jimmy...literally and figuratively...and my family, sister included.
Are you a role model?: a lot of people told me i was in that little pink book...but i don’t know if i believe them, i think i’m a crappy role model.
Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point?: six flags..a long time ago
What name brand do you wear the most?: uh...kohl’s?
What kind of jewelry do you wear?: 5 rings and my diamonds earrings
What do you want pierced?: more on the ears...belly button!
Do you like taking pictures?: you don’t know me do you? OF COURSE!
Do you like gettin your picture taken?: nahh.
Do you have a tan?: no...stupid english skin...
Do you get annoyed easily?: i suppose at times i do...
Have you ever started a rumor?: no.
Do you have your own phone or phone line?: there’s a landline here that we don’t us and i have a cell.
Do you have your own pool?: i wish!
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: boxers
Do you have any siblings?: ANGIE!
Have you ever been played?: no
Have you ever played anyone?: not intentionally
Do you get along with your parents?: sometimes
How do you vent your anger?: i yell, although it's worse when i get silent...i bitch to friends...i keep it inside and it gets worse
Have you ever ran away?: no
Have you ever been fired from a job?: not yet
Do you even have a job?: yes
Do you daydream a lot?: ohhhh yeahh...
Do you have a lot of ex's?: yup
Do you run your mouth?: not really
What do you want a tattoo of?: i dunno...
What do you have a tattoo of?: i don’t have any
What does your ex bf/gf look like?: there’s too many to describe them all
What does your most recent crush look like?: he’s tall, dark and handsome...he wears glasses...he’s pretty much the love of my life. <3
Whats her/his name?: james michael litz.
Have you ever been bitched out?: maybe?
Are you rude?: again, i can be
What was the last compliment you recieved?: i forget
Do you like getting dirty?: no
Are you flexiable?: i’m workin’ on it...
What is your heritage?: italian, english, german, bohemian...y’know, from europe
What is your lucky number?: 18...or 15...but 18 has been pretty lucky for me. : - )
What does your hair look like right now?: it’s down and drying
Could you ever be a vegetarian?: as much as i love salad...i think i would miss steak...
Describe your looks?: white, short, big boobs, decent sized ass, mediumish middle, brownish-blondish hair, bluish eyes...average
If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?: darkish brown
Would you ever date someone younger than you?: as long as it wasn’t illegal...
Would you ever date someone older than you?: yeah
When was the last time you were drunk?: never ago
How many rings until you answer the phone?: :shrug: it depends...
Have you ever been skinny dipping?: no
If yes, when was the last time?: n/a
When was the last time you went on a date?: umm..over thanksgiving, jimmy took me to cheesecake factory, it was a lovely time.
Do you look more like your mother or father?: everyone says my dad, but i do have some of my mom’s characteristics, too
Do you cry a lot?: i don’t like to
Do you ever cry to get your way?: no! i’m trying to defy the female stereotype...that would be a HUGE step backward...
What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: good question...and i don’t know
Are you the romantic type?: guilty as charged
Have you ever been chased by cops?: no.
What do you like most about your body?: i like my eyes...
What do you like least about your body?: most of it
When did you have your first crush?: first grade? yeah, probably first grade
When was the last time you threw up?: that time in july when i was sick for a really long time...that sucked...
In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: brunettes...ow ow
Do you ever wear shirts do show your belly?: unintentionally
What about cleavage?: have you seen my boobs? of course...
Is your best friend a virgin?: uh, pretty sure, yeah. although that other one definitely isn’t...
Have you ever fucked someone up?: mentally probably yeah
Have you ever been fucked up?: mentally probably yeah
What theme does your room have?: clutter
What size show do you wear?: 6.5-8.5 depending on the shoe
What is your screen name on AIM?: trippiehippie15, stinie15
How are you feeling right now?: sad...and tired...
When was the last time you were at a party?: turkey week...yay amy and sara!
Have you ever given a lapdance?: uhh...not exactly...
Have you ever recieved one?: no
Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: oh yeah
What is one of your bad qualilties?: i’m stubborn...i swear a lot...that’s two, i’m gonna stop before i get TOO many bad qualities
What is one of your good qualilties?: uhh...i dunno
Would you marry for money?: maybe
What do you drive?: ford escort
Are you more of a mommys or daddys child?: both
So?: wha?
Well?: excuse me?
When was the last time you cried in school?: band awards night...i think that was the ONLY time i cried at school.
Would you ever hook up with the same sex?: meh, if i was really horny and desperate.
What kind of music do you like?: i like all! except for bad rap...bleck
Would you ever bungee jump?: :terrified:
What is your worst fear?: losing jimmy, becky, and my family...well, losing MORE of my family...gah.
Would you ever join the army?: not a chance
Do you like cows?: mmm, tasty.
If you were to die today, what would you do?: hire a jet to fly me home as fast as possible to spend time with family before spending the rest of it with jimmy...
If you had one last word to say to someone before you die, what would it be?: live
Do you like to party?: like to dance party
Hearts or broken hearts?: “hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable”
Moons or stars?: moon...whenever two people are looking at, no matter where they are at, they are looking at the same one...
Coke or pepsi?: pepsi
Favorite scent?: Ooo...i dunno...for me, sweet pea or curious...and jimmy doesn’t wear cologne so i have totally forgotten what my favorite guy smell is...dang...
Favorite band?: i don’t have a favorite
Would you ever dye your hair red?: probably...it could be fun.
How many languages can you speak?: almost 2. so close!
What time are you finishing this?: 11:00pm

<3love love

i'm pretty much just copying my xanga entry...i don't feel like making it more eloquent...

so...my view about college hasn't changed very much:

the channels are different here and so i cannot efficiently channel surf, math is hard, skype doesn't work properly, i miss my mom's cooking, there are too many hills and too many stairs, staying up late has lost its appeal, my spanish professor talks in all spanish and i'm all wtf mate?, i have officially seen every gilmore girls episode and now i don't know what to do, i am exhausted, the showers are too friggin small, i feel like i don't belong and i hate how it's mostly my fault that i feel that way, i miss my family, i hate the point system and the fact that i don't understand how it works, i can no longer enjoy looking at cute boys in fact i don't even have the desire to, my ribs ache because i decided to do sit ups the other day while watching television so i would be productive and get in shape, i'm unorganized, augustana techies are dumb because they put spybot and adaware on the same friggin disc, i miss my boyfriend like crazy, the requirements to graduate are fucked up, the network is crap and doesn't really work the way it should, the dance club i wanted to join requires that you tryout with your own choreography for the final audition and i can't do that, i'm crabby, i don't really feel like socializing and therefore am kind of a loner, i can't access the stuff i need online for class, augustana and their stupid antivirus shit has slowed my computer down immensely and now it sucks ass and i have had to manually shut down my computer like 7000 times since i've been here, i can't think like these liberal arts maniacs, my slinky got all tangled, the fettucini alfredo sucks, you get charged for everything, i don't get to play piccolo,  i don't really want to be here, i am completely unmotivated to do just about anything, i have too much shit here and i don't know what to do with it, i'm completely unprepared for everything, and i'm probably the only one who feels this awfully about college...

college is just one disappointement after the other....thank god i'm going home this weekend

<3

i can remember when i first realized
dreams were the only place to see them

HALLELUJAH!!!

YAY!!!  this could be the beggining of something good!  it has a long way to go, but this is a good step.  good step, indeed.

and, it's official.  i love mr. jordan.  fo' serious.  he cracks me up.  : - )

<3

we're goin' to the chapel
and we're gonna get married

something tells me i didn't really do this right...and it didn't really come out how i wanted it to.  but oh well, we know how i am with english...bah

<3

you're here
there's nothing i fear